Being a Pushover is a Pain in the Ass

Being a pushover is a pain in the ass. I’m really great at ensuring that other people’s needs are met before my own. I’m wonderful at saying yes when I really want to say no. I’m even better at letting people walk over me because I want to be liked. Being a pushover is a pain in the ass.

In high school I was socially awkward… not over exaggerating here. If someone were to ask me a question I’d just sit there and say “mhmm”, usually without making eye contact. I looked down at my feet a lot. And if anyone tried to start a conversation with me I’d do anything to avoid it and walk away. I allowed my best friend to answer questions for me, and make plans for me and tell me who to like and not like. I let her tell people about my secrets and my opinions that I had only shared with her. Now I don’t want you thinking she’s a bad person, because she isn’t. She wanted what was best for me so she acted accordingly. I never gave her reason to think that what she did hurt me. I never told her what she was doing was damaging me for the future.

Since that was my teenage experience, it carried on to now, in multiple aspects of my life. I’m a full time student, but have a job on the side to pay for it. When talking about working there and my availability this year I said I can only work 20 hours a week. Guess who’s working double that. I also say yes to coming in early and taking extra shifts when I know I have other things to do. I am a pushover. They tell me they need me and that there’s no one else like me who can do what I can do. They tell me I’m one of the best and they wouldn’t survive without me. So I say yes, when I want to say no. I come in when don’t want to, I put my health and my schooling after their needs. Dumb, I know, but I don’t want to anger them or make them not like me.

People just say I’m laid back or ‘go with the flow’, little do they know that I don’t like most of my life. I know that I can’t be the only person like this. I had to learn from somewhere. Maybe my mom, maybe my opa, maybe a teacher or a movie or really anything. Its ridiculous, I know. I shouldn’t let people walk all over me, but that’s all I know how to do. It’s already flowing into other parts of my life.  I need a kick in the ass, someone please tell me to put myself first.

 

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“Why am I like this?”

One of my friends has this saying she states when she’s embarrassed by herself or regrets something. “Why am I like this?”. An alternative to saying “I hate myself right now”. I’ve heard her mention it a lot and since I’m around her often I adopted the saying. I started saying it as a joke, kinda mimicking her. Then it became a saying that I use often. Clearly, I regret a lot of things that I do or say.

The saying is kind of sad though, it’s like saying I hate the way that I am. Although sometimes true, because I do and say a lot of stupid things, it’s not a fair statement to make about yourself. I believe that everything that happens in life is a lesson, regardless of the outcome. For example, last month I walked home from the bar alone… then a stranger pulled up beside me and asked if I wanted a ride. I got in the car. To this is say “why am I like this?”, I do fully regret that decision, although nothing bad happened and he was just a nice guy. It was such an unsafe decision, why was I even alone? Why did I leave the bar without my friend? Did I even eat drunk poutine or just watch other people eat it, because I have a clear image of fries and gravy in my mind. I fully regret doing that even if I made it home safe and sound. What the fuck was i thinking?!

I feel like anyone would say “why am I like this” to themselves if they were in my shoes. But that saying shouldn’t be used anymore. I am the way I am and I can’t control what has already happened. I can just not get into strangers cars in the future… I can’t dwell on embarrassing or regretful things, it doesn’t make the situations better. Hating myself for a wrong decision doesn’t help me down the road, it diminishes myself esteem and kills any confidence for future events. I need all the confidence I can get.

We don’t really need a guys attention to have a good time… Right?

Again, failing at posting weekly…. I keep writing posts but don’t find them to be good enough or long enough to post. But, my thoughts about some topics are so brief, yet important to me, so I need to post them. Others may relate and give some insight. Here we go….

I used to think that to have a good time out, whether it be night or day, that I would need the attention of a guy. No one had to make a move or even walk up to me, just a couple looks would be fine. It was like I needed validation that I looked decent and approachable, that I wouldn’t be alone forever.  I was letting this dictate whether I had fun or not. That doesn’t even make logical sense. Especially since I would never talk to the guy ever again or just embarrass myself because I can’t talk to guys.

thirst is real

Shouldn’t the fact that I enjoyed the music or that I danced be a good sign? Even a laugh, a smile or good conversation proves a good time. Apparently those weren’t enough for me.

I always say I want to embrace moments instead of take pictures and videos. And I have been that person to some degree. But guys always seem to distract from moments anyways.  (I don’t even believe in love, so why are guys so important to me?)

I went to a concert the other night and didn’t pay attention to anyone, but my friends and the music. And it was pretty great (minus the fact that I’m so short that I couldn’t even see the guy singing lol). Making improvements here! I have to try to do this more often, or else life will start flying by without my noticing. This is what matters the most. Having fun while I’m alive.

Image from: http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/thirst

I Am A Toy That People Enjoy…

I have always thought that I was one of those people that don’t take shit from anyone. And I mean I like to speak my mind and I am willing to elbow a guy in a bar if he gets too handsy. I have been told by my friends that they like going to the bar with me because I can get rid of anyone. The other weekend I was at a party and it was dying down and we were all trying to chill and sleep. A couple girls were rude and racist and wouldn’t leave when everyone wanted them to, so I got them to. I know that may make me seem like a bad person, and sometimes I really think I am, but I grew up being walked over and I’m done with it.

Despite these circumstances, a past situation leads me to believe differently. Only in these past couple months have I really evaluated my actions or lack there of in this situation. What got me thinking about it was Lorde’s song Liability and specifically the line where she sings “I am a toy that people enjoy ‘til all of the tricks don’t work anymore and now they get bored of me.”. This has quite literally happened to me with a specific friend of mine.

One of my guy friends, who I will not name because that is not what’s important, had been a fan of mine for a little while. I knew he liked me, he had admitted it to my friend, but he had never done anything about it. Well, this year one night my friends and I were out at a bar drinking. And of course, we got drunk and ended up hooking up (I know everyone uses the term “hooking up” differently so to clarify, we made out, that’s it).To be honest I don’t really remember it… I remembered that it had happened, but not the actual events that took place.

I thought nothing of that night, we continued on as just friends (exactly what I wanted), it wasn’t even awkward. But I think that night was a gateway for future nights. He has tried to get me alone, he has tried to feed me drinks so it could happen again. I have had to push his hand out from under my shirt or dress a few times.  I was drunk every time and although I believe I don’t take shit from people I never said stop. It’s my fault that it continued to happen, I kept getting drunk, lowering my guard. I never said no, I just pushed away. And that’s not okay.

I had let him play with me. Soon he got bored, his tricks stopped working when I learned to push him away. Now, who I thought was my friend doesn’t hang out with me, doesn’t talk to me, doesn’t even text me. Now I can see he is not the kind of friend that I thought he was. He is not the kind of person that I want in my life. I realize that he could have acted that way because he could have been interested in me and when he realized that the feelings were not reciprocated he moved on, but that doesn’t mean he should have dropped me completely. Or I could be wrong, he could have been making drunk mistakes too. Or he could have thought that was okay. I don’t know, but I’m glad I figured out that I don’t need him in my life because no one should be treated like that.

Picture from: unsplash.com

In The End, We’re Just Hurting Ourselves

There is a fine line between being nice and flirty and apparently, I cross that line weekly. Although unintentional, I lead a lot of people on. I don’t mean to play games or hurt anyone, it just happens. Especially if I am intoxicated.

I don’t understand how to control it though. This is where I need help. If I joke around and tease or compliment someone or laugh at what they say, they can take it any way they want. I cannot govern how they receive what I do, I can only control my own actions. So does that mean that I should be rude and distant? Should I ignore any guy that talks to me? That’s not right either.

This confusion came about last weekend when I was at a friends party. This gathering only consisted of the same friends that I hang out with all the time and as always with them, alcohol was consumed. I’ve been told that I get really flirty when I’m drunk so I decided to ask my best friend what exactly I did or said this time. In my opinion, I wasn’t flirting, my actions were just taken the wrong way. Do you agree or disagree?

The first event was when I shared my mac n’ cheese with my one guy friend. I had a bowl and he was hungry so I shared my food with him (as a nice person does). I fed him once but it fell onto his shirt and of course something along the lines of “open your mouth wider” was mentioned when he complained about the mess and it unintentionally became a sexual innuendo. If you know me you should know that I am not one to speak or joke in a ‘dirty’ manner, it makes me uncomfortable. In my mind, I wasn’t flirting, but according to the texts I received from him the next day, he enjoyed me being a “little vixen”.

Another event that occurred was when I asked to borrow a blanket from one of the guys that lived in the house. I was cold and wanted to sleep so I was rather impatient. All I wanted to do was go upstairs get something to keep me warm and retreat back downstairs to where everyone was hanging out. When he kept getting distracted in the process of finding me a blanket I got frustrated. I guess people could tell that I was upset that he was taking his time and they all assumed that I was mad because I wanted to go hook up with him and he was being slower than desired. Again, if you know me you should know that I am not one to sleep with people that are 1. Just my friends and 2. That I don’t have a relationship with. It’s just not my style.

The last event where my actions were misinterpreted that I wanted to mention was when I was actually going to sleep. A lot of people were staying at the party house overnight since everyone was pretty drunk and the hosts offered. Since this was my plan, I asked to sleep on the futon in my guy friend’s room. The fold out bed is really comfortable and his room is quiet in the morning, so I dibs-ed that spot before they were all taken. When I decided to sleep I went to my friend’s room but someone was already asleep on the futon, so I said no problem and went elsewhere. I woke up to a text the next morning saying “Sorry for taking your spot, I didn’t know you liked him like that”. Like what?! I just wanted a nice place to sleep and had no issue finding another spot. How does that prove that I was into him?

In none of these circumstances was I intentionally flirting or trying to hook up with anyone. It was just taken that way by not only the person involved but by spectators. How do I change this? Just not share my food with friends that are hungry? Just be cold in a house full of blankets? The line between being nice and flirting is very fine and closer than I thought.

This also got me thinking. Why does everyone (or a lot of people) take being nice as flirting? Is it because we’re all lonely and just want to find love? Is it because we just want someone to admire us to get a small confidence boost? We could just want something so badly that we unconsciously change the meaning of something so innocent to something that we actually want. But in the end, we’re just hurting ourselves.