Do Emotions Really Exist?

So I’ve taken basically a year long hiatus from this blog. Although it may not have been noticed at all, because I am probably the only one who reads these, I have not posted since last fall. But, I have written a few tidbits of thoughts, memories and ponderings that I guess I could share. I miss writing… it was a good outlet for me since I keep all of my emotions and opinions to myself. So here’s one that I wrote a while ago:

I’ve been hesitant to talk about this aspect of my beliefs on here for a long time. Mostly because people think I’m crazy or argue with me. Which both are fine, I think I’m crazy too and I actually really want this theory to be false, so please prove the opposition to be correct. But here we go.

For a long time I’ve had this theory that emotions, particularly love, don’t exist. They are just concepts that society made up to add purpose to our lives. That we actually don’t feel emotions, they’re just things that we think we’re supposed to act out because it seems right because of how the world wants us to be. But, we don’t realize in the moment (or sometimes ever) that these don’t exist because the actions and thoughts become subconscious because they’re so believed by others.

For example, one typically loves their mom. And would miss their mom is they were apart for a long time. I’m 21 and am very close with my mother, but live almost 2 hours away from her. So, I’d say that I miss her when were apart for long periods of time. But do I miss her because I have an attachment to her and love her? Or do I miss her because society says that we’re supposed to miss our parents when not together? I have a strange feeling it’s the latter.

I know what you’re thinking, “what if I don’t have a good relationship with my mom?”, well, society tells you to miss the things that you love. If you don’t love her, you don’t miss her. Second counter point usually mentioned, “how do you know that you love her if emotions don’t exist?”, well society tells us to love the things that we see beauty in, that care for us, feed us, nurture us, birthed us etc. So society tells us to love our parents, then tells us to miss the things that we love when apart. So, everything is based on a preconceived concept that society has developed for centuries.

Now, I mentioned earlier that I wanted to be wrong. I want emotions and love to exist. I really do. I want to find someone to love for the rest of my life. I want to believe that I share a strong bond, called love, with my parents because they’re my parents and they’re helpful and caring and loyal. Someone please tell me why my theory is wrong. Prove to me that I can find love in my life. But I also kinda want someone to tell me they believe me… just so I feel a little bit less crazy.

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Being a Pushover is a Pain in the Ass

Being a pushover is a pain in the ass. I’m really great at ensuring that other people’s needs are met before my own. I’m wonderful at saying yes when I really want to say no. I’m even better at letting people walk over me because I want to be liked. Being a pushover is a pain in the ass.

In high school I was socially awkward… not over exaggerating here. If someone were to ask me a question I’d just sit there and say “mhmm”, usually without making eye contact. I looked down at my feet a lot. And if anyone tried to start a conversation with me I’d do anything to avoid it and walk away. I allowed my best friend to answer questions for me, and make plans for me and tell me who to like and not like. I let her tell people about my secrets and my opinions that I had only shared with her. Now I don’t want you thinking she’s a bad person, because she isn’t. She wanted what was best for me so she acted accordingly. I never gave her reason to think that what she did hurt me. I never told her what she was doing was damaging me for the future.

Since that was my teenage experience, it carried on to now, in multiple aspects of my life. I’m a full time student, but have a job on the side to pay for it. When talking about working there and my availability this year I said I can only work 20 hours a week. Guess who’s working double that. I also say yes to coming in early and taking extra shifts when I know I have other things to do. I am a pushover. They tell me they need me and that there’s no one else like me who can do what I can do. They tell me I’m one of the best and they wouldn’t survive without me. So I say yes, when I want to say no. I come in when don’t want to, I put my health and my schooling after their needs. Dumb, I know, but I don’t want to anger them or make them not like me.

People just say I’m laid back or ‘go with the flow’, little do they know that I don’t like most of my life. I know that I can’t be the only person like this. I had to learn from somewhere. Maybe my mom, maybe my opa, maybe a teacher or a movie or really anything. Its ridiculous, I know. I shouldn’t let people walk all over me, but that’s all I know how to do. It’s already flowing into other parts of my life.  I need a kick in the ass, someone please tell me to put myself first.

 

“Why am I like this?”

One of my friends has this saying she states when she’s embarrassed by herself or regrets something. “Why am I like this?”. An alternative to saying “I hate myself right now”. I’ve heard her mention it a lot and since I’m around her often I adopted the saying. I started saying it as a joke, kinda mimicking her. Then it became a saying that I use often. Clearly, I regret a lot of things that I do or say.

The saying is kind of sad though, it’s like saying I hate the way that I am. Although sometimes true, because I do and say a lot of stupid things, it’s not a fair statement to make about yourself. I believe that everything that happens in life is a lesson, regardless of the outcome. For example, last month I walked home from the bar alone… then a stranger pulled up beside me and asked if I wanted a ride. I got in the car. To this is say “why am I like this?”, I do fully regret that decision, although nothing bad happened and he was just a nice guy. It was such an unsafe decision, why was I even alone? Why did I leave the bar without my friend? Did I even eat drunk poutine or just watch other people eat it, because I have a clear image of fries and gravy in my mind. I fully regret doing that even if I made it home safe and sound. What the fuck was i thinking?!

I feel like anyone would say “why am I like this” to themselves if they were in my shoes. But that saying shouldn’t be used anymore. I am the way I am and I can’t control what has already happened. I can just not get into strangers cars in the future… I can’t dwell on embarrassing or regretful things, it doesn’t make the situations better. Hating myself for a wrong decision doesn’t help me down the road, it diminishes myself esteem and kills any confidence for future events. I need all the confidence I can get.

We don’t really need a guys attention to have a good time… Right?

Again, failing at posting weekly…. I keep writing posts but don’t find them to be good enough or long enough to post. But, my thoughts about some topics are so brief, yet important to me, so I need to post them. Others may relate and give some insight. Here we go….

I used to think that to have a good time out, whether it be night or day, that I would need the attention of a guy. No one had to make a move or even walk up to me, just a couple looks would be fine. It was like I needed validation that I looked decent and approachable, that I wouldn’t be alone forever.  I was letting this dictate whether I had fun or not. That doesn’t even make logical sense. Especially since I would never talk to the guy ever again or just embarrass myself because I can’t talk to guys.

thirst is real

Shouldn’t the fact that I enjoyed the music or that I danced be a good sign? Even a laugh, a smile or good conversation proves a good time. Apparently those weren’t enough for me.

I always say I want to embrace moments instead of take pictures and videos. And I have been that person to some degree. But guys always seem to distract from moments anyways.  (I don’t even believe in love, so why are guys so important to me?)

I went to a concert the other night and didn’t pay attention to anyone, but my friends and the music. And it was pretty great (minus the fact that I’m so short that I couldn’t even see the guy singing lol). Making improvements here! I have to try to do this more often, or else life will start flying by without my noticing. This is what matters the most. Having fun while I’m alive.

Image from: http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/thirst