I Am A Toy That People Enjoy…

I have always thought that I was one of those people that don’t take shit from anyone. And I mean I like to speak my mind and I am willing to elbow a guy in a bar if he gets too handsy. I have been told by my friends that they like going to the bar with me because I can get rid of anyone. The other weekend I was at a party and it was dying down and we were all trying to chill and sleep. A couple girls were rude and racist and wouldn’t leave when everyone wanted them to, so I got them to. I know that may make me seem like a bad person, and sometimes I really think I am, but I grew up being walked over and I’m done with it.

Despite these circumstances, a past situation leads me to believe differently. Only in these past couple months have I really evaluated my actions or lack there of in this situation. What got me thinking about it was Lorde’s song Liability and specifically the line where she sings “I am a toy that people enjoy ‘til all of the tricks don’t work anymore and now they get bored of me.”. This has quite literally happened to me with a specific friend of mine.

One of my guy friends, who I will not name because that is not what’s important, had been a fan of mine for a little while. I knew he liked me, he had admitted it to my friend, but he had never done anything about it. Well, this year one night my friends and I were out at a bar drinking. And of course, we got drunk and ended up hooking up (I know everyone uses the term “hooking up” differently so to clarify, we made out, that’s it).To be honest I don’t really remember it… I remembered that it had happened, but not the actual events that took place.

I thought nothing of that night, we continued on as just friends (exactly what I wanted), it wasn’t even awkward. But I think that night was a gateway for future nights. He has tried to get me alone, he has tried to feed me drinks so it could happen again. I have had to push his hand out from under my shirt or dress a few times.  I was drunk every time and although I believe I don’t take shit from people I never said stop. It’s my fault that it continued to happen, I kept getting drunk, lowering my guard. I never said no, I just pushed away. And that’s not okay.

I had let him play with me. Soon he got bored, his tricks stopped working when I learned to push him away. Now, who I thought was my friend doesn’t hang out with me, doesn’t talk to me, doesn’t even text me. Now I can see he is not the kind of friend that I thought he was. He is not the kind of person that I want in my life. I realize that he could have acted that way because he could have been interested in me and when he realized that the feelings were not reciprocated he moved on, but that doesn’t mean he should have dropped me completely. Or I could be wrong, he could have been making drunk mistakes too. Or he could have thought that was okay. I don’t know, but I’m glad I figured out that I don’t need him in my life because no one should be treated like that.

Picture from: unsplash.com

Why can’t I stop thinking about you?

Why can’t I stop thinking about you? I know I made it up in my mind, I know it’s not possible. 

Prior to your visit last year my friend said that you’d be perfect for me, I think this is where my mind got the idea. You were so nice and spent all of your time with me instead of the friend that you were visiting. But it ended, you went home and I thought nothing of it. Fast forward a year and you were back. You were visiting again and were just as attractive, nice and awkward as you were the first time. I took you caressing my face and rubbing my back instead of trying to sleep with me as a good sign. It showed me that you were kind and not like the other guys that just wanted to get laid. We talked for hours about our futures, our interests and our families. But both times we met you were drunk and I was nervous. Ever since that weekend I have wondered what if…

What if you’d visit again? What if we ran into each other at your school? What if we happened to be at the same concert this summer? What if I could just tell you that I wish I had flirted just a bit more, that I danced with you at the bar, that I wish I had told you I was interested?

I’ve made up so many scenarios in my head as to how we’d meet again. Silly I know, seeing as we’ve only met twice. It just seemed perfect, you were going to university in my home town, your friends were my friends, we had so many common interests. But maybe it was too perfect and maybe I’m just a lonely dreamer. Your intoxication and our only having met two times convinces me that I made it all up and that we’ll never meet again. 

Why can’t I stop thinking about you? After all these months why can’t I just let you go?