Being a Pushover is a Pain in the Ass

Being a pushover is a pain in the ass. I’m really great at ensuring that other people’s needs are met before my own. I’m wonderful at saying yes when I really want to say no. I’m even better at letting people walk over me because I want to be liked. Being a pushover is a pain in the ass.

In high school I was socially awkward… not over exaggerating here. If someone were to ask me a question I’d just sit there and say “mhmm”, usually without making eye contact. I looked down at my feet a lot. And if anyone tried to start a conversation with me I’d do anything to avoid it and walk away. I allowed my best friend to answer questions for me, and make plans for me and tell me who to like and not like. I let her tell people about my secrets and my opinions that I had only shared with her. Now I don’t want you thinking she’s a bad person, because she isn’t. She wanted what was best for me so she acted accordingly. I never gave her reason to think that what she did hurt me. I never told her what she was doing was damaging me for the future.

Since that was my teenage experience, it carried on to now, in multiple aspects of my life. I’m a full time student, but have a job on the side to pay for it. When talking about working there and my availability this year I said I can only work 20 hours a week. Guess who’s working double that. I also say yes to coming in early and taking extra shifts when I know I have other things to do. I am a pushover. They tell me they need me and that there’s no one else like me who can do what I can do. They tell me I’m one of the best and they wouldn’t survive without me. So I say yes, when I want to say no. I come in when don’t want to, I put my health and my schooling after their needs. Dumb, I know, but I don’t want to anger them or make them not like me.

People just say I’m laid back or ‘go with the flow’, little do they know that I don’t like most of my life. I know that I can’t be the only person like this. I had to learn from somewhere. Maybe my mom, maybe my opa, maybe a teacher or a movie or really anything. Its ridiculous, I know. I shouldn’t let people walk all over me, but that’s all I know how to do. It’s already flowing into other parts of my life.  I need a kick in the ass, someone please tell me to put myself first.

 

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“Why am I like this?”

One of my friends has this saying she states when she’s embarrassed by herself or regrets something. “Why am I like this?”. An alternative to saying “I hate myself right now”. I’ve heard her mention it a lot and since I’m around her often I adopted the saying. I started saying it as a joke, kinda mimicking her. Then it became a saying that I use often. Clearly, I regret a lot of things that I do or say.

The saying is kind of sad though, it’s like saying I hate the way that I am. Although sometimes true, because I do and say a lot of stupid things, it’s not a fair statement to make about yourself. I believe that everything that happens in life is a lesson, regardless of the outcome. For example, last month I walked home from the bar alone… then a stranger pulled up beside me and asked if I wanted a ride. I got in the car. To this is say “why am I like this?”, I do fully regret that decision, although nothing bad happened and he was just a nice guy. It was such an unsafe decision, why was I even alone? Why did I leave the bar without my friend? Did I even eat drunk poutine or just watch other people eat it, because I have a clear image of fries and gravy in my mind. I fully regret doing that even if I made it home safe and sound. What the fuck was i thinking?!

I feel like anyone would say “why am I like this” to themselves if they were in my shoes. But that saying shouldn’t be used anymore. I am the way I am and I can’t control what has already happened. I can just not get into strangers cars in the future… I can’t dwell on embarrassing or regretful things, it doesn’t make the situations better. Hating myself for a wrong decision doesn’t help me down the road, it diminishes myself esteem and kills any confidence for future events. I need all the confidence I can get.

We don’t really need a guys attention to have a good time… Right?

Again, failing at posting weekly…. I keep writing posts but don’t find them to be good enough or long enough to post. But, my thoughts about some topics are so brief, yet important to me, so I need to post them. Others may relate and give some insight. Here we go….

I used to think that to have a good time out, whether it be night or day, that I would need the attention of a guy. No one had to make a move or even walk up to me, just a couple looks would be fine. It was like I needed validation that I looked decent and approachable, that I wouldn’t be alone forever.  I was letting this dictate whether I had fun or not. That doesn’t even make logical sense. Especially since I would never talk to the guy ever again or just embarrass myself because I can’t talk to guys.

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Shouldn’t the fact that I enjoyed the music or that I danced be a good sign? Even a laugh, a smile or good conversation proves a good time. Apparently those weren’t enough for me.

I always say I want to embrace moments instead of take pictures and videos. And I have been that person to some degree. But guys always seem to distract from moments anyways.  (I don’t even believe in love, so why are guys so important to me?)

I went to a concert the other night and didn’t pay attention to anyone, but my friends and the music. And it was pretty great (minus the fact that I’m so short that I couldn’t even see the guy singing lol). Making improvements here! I have to try to do this more often, or else life will start flying by without my noticing. This is what matters the most. Having fun while I’m alive.

Image from: http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/thirst

In The End, We’re Just Hurting Ourselves

There is a fine line between being nice and flirty and apparently, I cross that line weekly. Although unintentional, I lead a lot of people on. I don’t mean to play games or hurt anyone, it just happens. Especially if I am intoxicated.

I don’t understand how to control it though. This is where I need help. If I joke around and tease or compliment someone or laugh at what they say, they can take it any way they want. I cannot govern how they receive what I do, I can only control my own actions. So does that mean that I should be rude and distant? Should I ignore any guy that talks to me? That’s not right either.

This confusion came about last weekend when I was at a friends party. This gathering only consisted of the same friends that I hang out with all the time and as always with them, alcohol was consumed. I’ve been told that I get really flirty when I’m drunk so I decided to ask my best friend what exactly I did or said this time. In my opinion, I wasn’t flirting, my actions were just taken the wrong way. Do you agree or disagree?

The first event was when I shared my mac n’ cheese with my one guy friend. I had a bowl and he was hungry so I shared my food with him (as a nice person does). I fed him once but it fell onto his shirt and of course something along the lines of “open your mouth wider” was mentioned when he complained about the mess and it unintentionally became a sexual innuendo. If you know me you should know that I am not one to speak or joke in a ‘dirty’ manner, it makes me uncomfortable. In my mind, I wasn’t flirting, but according to the texts I received from him the next day, he enjoyed me being a “little vixen”.

Another event that occurred was when I asked to borrow a blanket from one of the guys that lived in the house. I was cold and wanted to sleep so I was rather impatient. All I wanted to do was go upstairs get something to keep me warm and retreat back downstairs to where everyone was hanging out. When he kept getting distracted in the process of finding me a blanket I got frustrated. I guess people could tell that I was upset that he was taking his time and they all assumed that I was mad because I wanted to go hook up with him and he was being slower than desired. Again, if you know me you should know that I am not one to sleep with people that are 1. Just my friends and 2. That I don’t have a relationship with. It’s just not my style.

The last event where my actions were misinterpreted that I wanted to mention was when I was actually going to sleep. A lot of people were staying at the party house overnight since everyone was pretty drunk and the hosts offered. Since this was my plan, I asked to sleep on the futon in my guy friend’s room. The fold out bed is really comfortable and his room is quiet in the morning, so I dibs-ed that spot before they were all taken. When I decided to sleep I went to my friend’s room but someone was already asleep on the futon, so I said no problem and went elsewhere. I woke up to a text the next morning saying “Sorry for taking your spot, I didn’t know you liked him like that”. Like what?! I just wanted a nice place to sleep and had no issue finding another spot. How does that prove that I was into him?

In none of these circumstances was I intentionally flirting or trying to hook up with anyone. It was just taken that way by not only the person involved but by spectators. How do I change this? Just not share my food with friends that are hungry? Just be cold in a house full of blankets? The line between being nice and flirting is very fine and closer than I thought.

This also got me thinking. Why does everyone (or a lot of people) take being nice as flirting? Is it because we’re all lonely and just want to find love? Is it because we just want someone to admire us to get a small confidence boost? We could just want something so badly that we unconsciously change the meaning of something so innocent to something that we actually want. But in the end, we’re just hurting ourselves.

 

Why can’t I stop thinking about you?

Why can’t I stop thinking about you? I know I made it up in my mind, I know it’s not possible.

Prior to your visit last year my friend said that you’d be perfect for me, I think this is where my mind got the idea. You were so nice and spent all of your time with me instead of the friend that you were visiting. But it ended, you went home and I thought nothing of it. Fast forward a year and you were back. You were visiting again and were just as attractive, nice and awkward as you were the first time. I took you caressing my face and rubbing my back instead of trying to sleep with me as a good sign. It showed me that you were kind and not like the other guys that just wanted to get laid. We talked for hours about our futures, our interests and our families. But both times we met you were drunk and I was nervous. Ever since that weekend I have wondered what if…

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What if you’d visit again? What if we ran into each other at your school? What if we happened to be at the same concert this summer? What if I could just tell you that I wish I had flirted just a bit more, that I danced with you at the bar, that I wish I had told you I was interested?

I’ve made up so many scenarios in my head as to how we’d meet again. Silly I know, seeing as we’ve only met twice. It just seemed perfect, you were going to university in my home town, your friends were my friends, we had so many common interests. But maybe it was too perfect and maybe I’m just a lonely dreamer. Your intoxication and our only having met two times convinces me that I made it all up and that we’ll never meet again.

Why can’t I stop thinking about you? After all these months why can’t I just let you go?