Turning 21

Sadly, my goal of writing weekly is not going too successfully. I’ve been writing randomly on my phone, but never posting because I’m way too busy (that’s what I’m telling myself anyways). So here’s something I wrote on my birthday a couple months ago. 
I’ve been racking my brain for a reason as to why I don’t want to turn 21. I don’t know it seems like such an intense age. The age that scares and intimidates all ages, the Hannibal Lecter of ages. 
Maybe it’s because I don’t want the responsibilities of an adult (although I already have a lot). Maybe it’s because a lot of my friends are a year younger than me and I feel out of place. Maybe it’s because I don’t like the number 21. 

Maybe, I feel this way every year when it’s close to my birthday. I think I do, but the thought drifts to the back of my mind as the days pass. And each year I’m reminded how time never stops. Despite living basically the same week over an over again, the days have actually changed. I seem to forget that part of living sometimes, that time doesn’t stop and at some point it will end for all of us. I don’t have extra time to add something into my life that I should have done before. I regret a lot of things that I’ve done, not that I would go back and change anything because i have learned a lot from my mistakes. But what I really regret is wishing I had done things when I hadn’t. But theres no way to go back because we keep moving on. I hate being so conscious of what I’m doing and how it effects everything around me. 

I’m always so concerned not just about what others will think about my actions but what I think of them and what I think of myself when I do them. I’m scared of hating the person I’ve become so I stay safe. I don’t often take any risks especially in certain areas of my life. 

It’s shitty to think that I could actually hate getting older every single time I’m on earth for another year. I want to celebrate the fact that I’m still here, healthy and secure. I don’t want to float. Ugh. I hate being scared of basically everything. I always think that I’m a pretty risky person, that I’m not afraid of anything. I’m lying to myself. 
Photo from Pinterest 

In The End, We’re Just Hurting Ourselves

There is a fine line between being nice and flirty and apparently, I cross that line weekly. Although unintentional, I lead a lot of people on. I don’t mean to play games or hurt anyone, it just happens. Especially if I am intoxicated.

I don’t understand how to control it though. This is where I need help. If I joke around and tease or compliment someone or laugh at what they say, they can take it any way they want. I cannot govern how they receive what I do, I can only control my own actions. So does that mean that I should be rude and distant? Should I ignore any guy that talks to me? That’s not right either.

This confusion came about last weekend when I was at a friends party. This gathering only consisted of the same friends that I hang out with all the time and as always with them, alcohol was consumed. I’ve been told that I get really flirty when I’m drunk so I decided to ask my best friend what exactly I did or said this time. In my opinion, I wasn’t flirting, my actions were just taken the wrong way. Do you agree or disagree?

The first event was when I shared my mac n’ cheese with my one guy friend. I had a bowl and he was hungry so I shared my food with him (as a nice person does). I fed him once but it fell onto his shirt and of course something along the lines of “open your mouth wider” was mentioned when he complained about the mess and it unintentionally became a sexual innuendo. If you know me you should know that I am not one to speak or joke in a ‘dirty’ manner, it makes me uncomfortable. In my mind, I wasn’t flirting, but according to the texts I received from him the next day, he enjoyed me being a “little vixen”.

Another event that occurred was when I asked to borrow a blanket from one of the guys that lived in the house. I was cold and wanted to sleep so I was rather impatient. All I wanted to do was go upstairs get something to keep me warm and retreat back downstairs to where everyone was hanging out. When he kept getting distracted in the process of finding me a blanket I got frustrated. I guess people could tell that I was upset that he was taking his time and they all assumed that I was mad because I wanted to go hook up with him and he was being slower than desired. Again, if you know me you should know that I am not one to sleep with people that are 1. Just my friends and 2. That I don’t have a relationship with. It’s just not my style.

The last event where my actions were misinterpreted that I wanted to mention was when I was actually going to sleep. A lot of people were staying at the party house overnight since everyone was pretty drunk and the hosts offered. Since this was my plan, I asked to sleep on the futon in my guy friend’s room. The fold out bed is really comfortable and his room is quiet in the morning, so I dibs-ed that spot before they were all taken. When I decided to sleep I went to my friend’s room but someone was already asleep on the futon, so I said no problem and went elsewhere. I woke up to a text the next morning saying “Sorry for taking your spot, I didn’t know you liked him like that”. Like what?! I just wanted a nice place to sleep and had no issue finding another spot. How does that prove that I was into him?

In none of these circumstances was I intentionally flirting or trying to hook up with anyone. It was just taken that way by not only the person involved but by spectators. How do I change this? Just not share my food with friends that are hungry? Just be cold in a house full of blankets? The line between being nice and flirting is very fine and closer than I thought.

This also got me thinking. Why does everyone (or a lot of people) take being nice as flirting? Is it because we’re all lonely and just want to find love? Is it because we just want someone to admire us to get a small confidence boost? We could just want something so badly that we unconsciously change the meaning of something so innocent to something that we actually want. But in the end, we’re just hurting ourselves.

 

We Can Stop Being So Afraid Now

Do you ever watch a movie and it just clicks something in your head? I watched a movie called The Summer of 8 the other night and click is exactly what happened. Here’s what developed in my confusing mind:

How can the life be so insanely scary, but so exciting at the same time? I want to curl up and cry half the time but the moments where I feel like dancing, spinning around in circles and screaming make up for it. Why does it have to be like this? Why do I have to be so afraid all the time? Of what I’ve done, of what I can or should do, of what might happen? I don’t want to regret anything, but life makes it seem like everything has to be perfect. But we can’t control anything. We can’t control the way others react, the weather, how fast time seems. We can only control how we feel and what we do. That’s pretty scary. Why can’t we just do whatever to make us happy at the time, embrace what’s happening. Tomorrow’s coming no matter what. I don’t know why I spend so much time worrying about what has happened and what will happen when life will inevitably move on. Life continues everyday until death. We should enjoy it. We can stop being so afraid. We can embrace now. 

Introductions

Alright, here we go, introductions. Something that seems so easy, but I can never pick out a few things to tell someone when they ask about me. It’s hard, because, like many people, I don’t like to talk about myself. Whether it’s because I don’t want people to think negatively of me or I want to impress people or I just don’t know exactly who I am (but who really does). Regardless, I am going to try now, to tell you, if anyone’s actually reading this, who I think I am.

So, hi. My name is Jade, I’m twenty years old from a decently large city in Southern Ontario, Canada. I am going into my third year of university for kinesiology, I won’t tell you what school just yet though. I love my program and the amazing people that I have met, although I am close with very few, as I believe one should be. I love music, probably a little too much as I spend way too much money on concerts, but they’re worth it. I consider myself a burrito enthusiast, a taco connoisseur, and an ice cream admirer. Lastly, due to my trait anxious personality, I have some strange theories about life and emotions. I don’t necessarily believe in all of them, but they are potential truths that I hold in my mind that generally refrain me from living the life that I desire. Maybe we’ll work them out together here, I’d love some feedback.

I started this blog because, well, my life is jaded. I don’t want to spend the summer just working, getting drunk and waiting to move back to school. So, this is my idea, to share my thoughts with others. I’m hoping that you will be able to relate or understand where I’m coming from. I’m hoping that I’ll feel less anxious about becoming an adult and finding out who I am or who I want to be. So here we go.