Being a pushover is a pain in the ass. I’m really great at ensuring that other people’s needs are met before my own. I’m wonderful at saying yes when I really want to say no. I’m even better at letting people walk over me because I want to be liked. Being a pushover is a pain in the ass.
In high school I was socially awkward… not over exaggerating here. If someone were to ask me a question I’d just sit there and say “mhmm”, usually without making eye contact. I looked down at my feet a lot. And if anyone tried to start a conversation with me I’d do anything to avoid it and walk away. I allowed my best friend to answer questions for me, and make plans for me and tell me who to like and not like. I let her tell people about my secrets and my opinions that I had only shared with her. Now I don’t want you thinking she’s a bad person, because she isn’t. She wanted what was best for me so she acted accordingly. I never gave her reason to think that what she did hurt me. I never told her what she was doing was damaging me for the future.
Since that was my teenage experience, it carried on to now, in multiple aspects of my life. I’m a full time student, but have a job on the side to pay for it. When talking about working there and my availability this year I said I can only work 20 hours a week. Guess who’s working double that. I also say yes to coming in early and taking extra shifts when I know I have other things to do. I am a pushover. They tell me they need me and that there’s no one else like me who can do what I can do. They tell me I’m one of the best and they wouldn’t survive without me. So I say yes, when I want to say no. I come in when don’t want to, I put my health and my schooling after their needs. Dumb, I know, but I don’t want to anger them or make them not like me.
People just say I’m laid back or ‘go with the flow’, little do they know that I don’t like most of my life. I know that I can’t be the only person like this. I had to learn from somewhere. Maybe my mom, maybe my opa, maybe a teacher or a movie or really anything. Its ridiculous, I know. I shouldn’t let people walk all over me, but that’s all I know how to do. It’s already flowing into other parts of my life. I need a kick in the ass, someone please tell me to put myself first.
One of my friends has this saying she states when she’s embarrassed by herself or regrets something. “Why am I like this?”. An alternative to saying “I hate myself right now”. I’ve heard her mention it a lot and since I’m around her often I adopted the saying. I started saying it as a joke, kinda mimicking her. Then it became a saying that I use often. Clearly, I regret a lot of things that I do or say.
The saying is kind of sad though, it’s like saying I hate the way that I am. Although sometimes true, because I do and say a lot of stupid things, it’s not a fair statement to make about yourself. I believe that everything that happens in life is a lesson, regardless of the outcome. For example, last month I walked home from the bar alone… then a stranger pulled up beside me and asked if I wanted a ride. I got in the car. To this is say “why am I like this?”, I do fully regret that decision, although nothing bad happened and he was just a nice guy. It was such an unsafe decision, why was I even alone? Why did I leave the bar without my friend? Did I even eat drunk poutine or just watch other people eat it, because I have a clear image of fries and gravy in my mind. I fully regret doing that even if I made it home safe and sound. What the fuck was i thinking?!
I feel like anyone would say “why am I like this” to themselves if they were in my shoes. But that saying shouldn’t be used anymore. I am the way I am and I can’t control what has already happened. I can just not get into strangers cars in the future… I can’t dwell on embarrassing or regretful things, it doesn’t make the situations better. Hating myself for a wrong decision doesn’t help me down the road, it diminishes myself esteem and kills any confidence for future events. I need all the confidence I can get.
Again, failing at posting weekly…. I keep writing posts but don’t find them to be good enough or long enough to post. But, my thoughts about some topics are so brief, yet important to me, so I need to post them. Others may relate and give some insight. Here we go….
I used to think that to have a good time out, whether it be night or day, that I would need the attention of a guy. No one had to make a move or even walk up to me, just a couple looks would be fine. It was like I needed validation that I looked decent and approachable, that I wouldn’t be alone forever.I was letting this dictate whether I had fun or not. That doesn’t even make logical sense. Especially since I would never talk to the guy ever again or just embarrass myself because I can’t talk to guys.
Shouldn’t the fact that I enjoyed the music or that I danced be a good sign? Even a laugh, a smile or good conversation proves a good time. Apparently those weren’t enough for me.
I always say I want to embrace moments instead of take pictures and videos. And I have been that person to some degree. But guys always seem to distract from moments anyways.(I don’t even believe in love, so why are guys so important to me?)
I went to a concert the other night and didn’t pay attention to anyone, but my friends and the music. And it was pretty great (minus the fact that I’m so short that I couldn’t even see the guy singing lol). Making improvements here! I have to try to do this more often, or else life will start flying by without my noticing. This is what matters the most. Having fun while I’m alive.
Sadly, my goal of writing weekly is not going too successfully. I’ve been writing randomly on my phone, but never posting because I’m way too busy (that’s what I’m telling myself anyways). So here’s something I wrote on my birthday a couple months ago.
I’ve been racking my brain for a reason as to why I don’t want to turn 21. I don’t know it seems like such an intense age. The age that scares and intimidates all ages, the Hannibal Lecter of ages.
Maybe it’s because I don’t want the responsibilities of an adult (although I already have a lot). Maybe it’s because a lot of my friends are a year younger than me and I feel out of place. Maybe it’s because I don’t like the number 21.
Maybe, I feel this way every year when it’s close to my birthday. I think I do, but the thought drifts to the back of my mind as the days pass. And each year I’m reminded how time never stops. Despite living basically the same week over an over again, the days have actually changed. I seem to forget that part of living sometimes, that time doesn’t stop and at some point it will end for all of us. I don’t have extra time to add something into my life that I should have done before. I regret a lot of things that I’ve done, not that I would go back and change anything because i have learned a lot from my mistakes. But what I really regret is wishing I had done things when I hadn’t. But theres no way to go back because we keep moving on. I hate being so conscious of what I’m doing and how it effects everything around me.
I’m always so concerned not just about what others will think about my actions but what I think of them and what I think of myself when I do them. I’m scared of hating the person I’ve become so I stay safe. I don’t often take any risks especially in certain areas of my life.
It’s shitty to think that I could actually hate getting older every single time I’m on earth for another year. I want to celebrate the fact that I’m still here, healthy and secure. I don’t want to float. Ugh. I hate being scared of basically everything. I always think that I’m a pretty risky person, that I’m not afraid of anything. I’m lying to myself. Photo from Pinterest
Why can’t I stop thinking about you? I know I made it up in my mind, I know it’s not possible.
Prior to your visit last year my friend said that you’d be perfect for me, I think this is where my mind got the idea. You were so nice and spent all of your time with me instead of the friend that you were visiting. But it ended, you went home and I thought nothing of it. Fast forward a year and you were back. You were visiting again and were just as attractive, nice and awkward as you were the first time. I took you caressing my face and rubbing my back instead of trying to sleep with me as a good sign. It showed me that you were kind and not like the other guys that just wanted to get laid. We talked for hours about our futures, our interests and our families. But both times we met you were drunk and I was nervous. Ever since that weekend I have wondered what if…
What if you’d visit again? What if we ran into each other at your school? What if we happened to be at the same concert this summer? What if I could just tell you that I wish I had flirted just a bit more, that I danced with you at the bar, that I wish I had told you I was interested?
I’ve made up so many scenarios in my head as to how we’d meet again. Silly I know, seeing as we’ve only met twice. It just seemed perfect, you were going to university in my home town, your friends were my friends, we had so many common interests. But maybe it was too perfect and maybe I’m just a lonely dreamer. Your intoxication and our only having met two times convinces me that I made it all up and that we’ll never meet again.
Why can’t I stop thinking about you? After all these months why can’t I just let you go?