Turning 21

Sadly, my goal of writing weekly is not going too successfully. I’ve been writing randomly on my phone, but never posting because I’m way too busy (that’s what I’m telling myself anyways). So here’s something I wrote on my birthday a couple months ago. 
I’ve been racking my brain for a reason as to why I don’t want to turn 21. I don’t know it seems like such an intense age. The age that scares and intimidates all ages, the Hannibal Lecter of ages. 
Maybe it’s because I don’t want the responsibilities of an adult (although I already have a lot). Maybe it’s because a lot of my friends are a year younger than me and I feel out of place. Maybe it’s because I don’t like the number 21. 

Maybe, I feel this way every year when it’s close to my birthday. I think I do, but the thought drifts to the back of my mind as the days pass. And each year I’m reminded how time never stops. Despite living basically the same week over an over again, the days have actually changed. I seem to forget that part of living sometimes, that time doesn’t stop and at some point it will end for all of us. I don’t have extra time to add something into my life that I should have done before. I regret a lot of things that I’ve done, not that I would go back and change anything because i have learned a lot from my mistakes. But what I really regret is wishing I had done things when I hadn’t. But theres no way to go back because we keep moving on. I hate being so conscious of what I’m doing and how it effects everything around me. 

I’m always so concerned not just about what others will think about my actions but what I think of them and what I think of myself when I do them. I’m scared of hating the person I’ve become so I stay safe. I don’t often take any risks especially in certain areas of my life. 

It’s shitty to think that I could actually hate getting older every single time I’m on earth for another year. I want to celebrate the fact that I’m still here, healthy and secure. I don’t want to float. Ugh. I hate being scared of basically everything. I always think that I’m a pretty risky person, that I’m not afraid of anything. I’m lying to myself. 
Photo from Pinterest 

I Am A Toy That People Enjoy…

I have always thought that I was one of those people that don’t take shit from anyone. And I mean I like to speak my mind and I am willing to elbow a guy in a bar if he gets too handsy. I have been told by my friends that they like going to the bar with me because I can get rid of anyone. The other weekend I was at a party and it was dying down and we were all trying to chill and sleep. A couple girls were rude and racist and wouldn’t leave when everyone wanted them to, so I got them to. I know that may make me seem like a bad person, and sometimes I really think I am, but I grew up being walked over and I’m done with it.

Despite these circumstances, a past situation leads me to believe differently. Only in these past couple months have I really evaluated my actions or lack there of in this situation. What got me thinking about it was Lorde’s song Liability and specifically the line where she sings “I am a toy that people enjoy ‘til all of the tricks don’t work anymore and now they get bored of me.”. This has quite literally happened to me with a specific friend of mine.

One of my guy friends, who I will not name because that is not what’s important, had been a fan of mine for a little while. I knew he liked me, he had admitted it to my friend, but he had never done anything about it. Well, this year one night my friends and I were out at a bar drinking. And of course, we got drunk and ended up hooking up (I know everyone uses the term “hooking up” differently so to clarify, we made out, that’s it).To be honest I don’t really remember it… I remembered that it had happened, but not the actual events that took place.

I thought nothing of that night, we continued on as just friends (exactly what I wanted), it wasn’t even awkward. But I think that night was a gateway for future nights. He has tried to get me alone, he has tried to feed me drinks so it could happen again. I have had to push his hand out from under my shirt or dress a few times.  I was drunk every time and although I believe I don’t take shit from people I never said stop. It’s my fault that it continued to happen, I kept getting drunk, lowering my guard. I never said no, I just pushed away. And that’s not okay.

I had let him play with me. Soon he got bored, his tricks stopped working when I learned to push him away. Now, who I thought was my friend doesn’t hang out with me, doesn’t talk to me, doesn’t even text me. Now I can see he is not the kind of friend that I thought he was. He is not the kind of person that I want in my life. I realize that he could have acted that way because he could have been interested in me and when he realized that the feelings were not reciprocated he moved on, but that doesn’t mean he should have dropped me completely. Or I could be wrong, he could have been making drunk mistakes too. Or he could have thought that was okay. I don’t know, but I’m glad I figured out that I don’t need him in my life because no one should be treated like that.

Picture from: unsplash.com

Why Am I The Party Animal?

Here we go, time to bring up one of my biggest problems with today’s society. REPUTATIONS. A belief or opinion that someone has about someone or something. Generally, based on their expectations for how one should live. I say they’re crap! No one should be judged and pushed into a certain category, especially if they’re not applying the same guidelines to everyone.

I guess I’m just speaking from my own experiences though, and boy, are they negative ones. My reputation of the past couple years and I guess right now, is that I’m a “party animal” or as my family would call me; “boozy”. I know what you’re thinking, “that’s not that bad”, “it could be worse” and/or “that means that people think you’re fun”. But in reality, it means that I like to be really drunk and don’t mind making mistakes. It means that I’d rather spend a night out and not remember most of it. It means that I’m putting being social above school and work. It means that I don’t have my life together (in my family’s eyes).   But I want more, I want others to think higher of me. I want to think higher of myself. I’m not saying that being a “party animal” is a bad thing, if that’s what you want to do and if that’s what you enjoy then go for it. But I honestly don’t really like going out. Choosing the perfect outfit and putting on the right makeup takes too much effort. Getting drunk just isn’t that fun for me. I basically only go to bars because I have a strong fear of missing out on possible memories and then hearing about them the next day. I realize that we’re only on earth for a limited time and I don’t want to regret not doing things. But at this point, I just regret not staying in and sleeping.

What? So if I go to a bar once a week, not even getting drunk every time, that means you can call me boozy? Let’s keep in mind that I’m in university, where most people my age go out one to three times a week! I’m not going to lie, I have had my fair share of stupidly drunk nights (but who hasn’t). I even go out with the very people that gave me the reputation. (Also, just want to point out that right now, as I’m typing this out, my friends are all at a country bar, drinking, and dancing and having a blast). They are doing the same things as me, just as often, but don’t get the same title, I don’t understand! Why am I the “party animal”? We’re all in this together guys! And if you don’t think you are a frequent partier, then I’m not one either. None of us have to be “the boozy”, we can all just live our lives doing whatever we want. As long as no one is harmed, people should be able to party as much or as little as they want to without being judged!

Sorry for the mini rant guys… This has been on my mind for a long time. Labels and reputations are just so unnecessary.

 

Image was taken  from an article by: Natalie Fraser and Meena Rajulu
http://www.awesomefoundation.org/en/projects/12133-dance-dance-office-revolution