Being a Pushover is a Pain in the Ass

Being a pushover is a pain in the ass. I’m really great at ensuring that other people’s needs are met before my own. I’m wonderful at saying yes when I really want to say no. I’m even better at letting people walk over me because I want to be liked. Being a pushover is a pain in the ass.

In high school I was socially awkward… not over exaggerating here. If someone were to ask me a question I’d just sit there and say “mhmm”, usually without making eye contact. I looked down at my feet a lot. And if anyone tried to start a conversation with me I’d do anything to avoid it and walk away. I allowed my best friend to answer questions for me, and make plans for me and tell me who to like and not like. I let her tell people about my secrets and my opinions that I had only shared with her. Now I don’t want you thinking she’s a bad person, because she isn’t. She wanted what was best for me so she acted accordingly. I never gave her reason to think that what she did hurt me. I never told her what she was doing was damaging me for the future.

Since that was my teenage experience, it carried on to now, in multiple aspects of my life. I’m a full time student, but have a job on the side to pay for it. When talking about working there and my availability this year I said I can only work 20 hours a week. Guess who’s working double that. I also say yes to coming in early and taking extra shifts when I know I have other things to do. I am a pushover. They tell me they need me and that there’s no one else like me who can do what I can do. They tell me I’m one of the best and they wouldn’t survive without me. So I say yes, when I want to say no. I come in when don’t want to, I put my health and my schooling after their needs. Dumb, I know, but I don’t want to anger them or make them not like me.

People just say I’m laid back or ‘go with the flow’, little do they know that I don’t like most of my life. I know that I can’t be the only person like this. I had to learn from somewhere. Maybe my mom, maybe my opa, maybe a teacher or a movie or really anything. Its ridiculous, I know. I shouldn’t let people walk all over me, but that’s all I know how to do. It’s already flowing into other parts of my life.  I need a kick in the ass, someone please tell me to put myself first.

 

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“Why am I like this?”

One of my friends has this saying she states when she’s embarrassed by herself or regrets something. “Why am I like this?”. An alternative to saying “I hate myself right now”. I’ve heard her mention it a lot and since I’m around her often I adopted the saying. I started saying it as a joke, kinda mimicking her. Then it became a saying that I use often. Clearly, I regret a lot of things that I do or say.

The saying is kind of sad though, it’s like saying I hate the way that I am. Although sometimes true, because I do and say a lot of stupid things, it’s not a fair statement to make about yourself. I believe that everything that happens in life is a lesson, regardless of the outcome. For example, last month I walked home from the bar alone… then a stranger pulled up beside me and asked if I wanted a ride. I got in the car. To this is say “why am I like this?”, I do fully regret that decision, although nothing bad happened and he was just a nice guy. It was such an unsafe decision, why was I even alone? Why did I leave the bar without my friend? Did I even eat drunk poutine or just watch other people eat it, because I have a clear image of fries and gravy in my mind. I fully regret doing that even if I made it home safe and sound. What the fuck was i thinking?!

I feel like anyone would say “why am I like this” to themselves if they were in my shoes. But that saying shouldn’t be used anymore. I am the way I am and I can’t control what has already happened. I can just not get into strangers cars in the future… I can’t dwell on embarrassing or regretful things, it doesn’t make the situations better. Hating myself for a wrong decision doesn’t help me down the road, it diminishes myself esteem and kills any confidence for future events. I need all the confidence I can get.

We don’t really need a guys attention to have a good time… Right?

Again, failing at posting weekly…. I keep writing posts but don’t find them to be good enough or long enough to post. But, my thoughts about some topics are so brief, yet important to me, so I need to post them. Others may relate and give some insight. Here we go….

I used to think that to have a good time out, whether it be night or day, that I would need the attention of a guy. No one had to make a move or even walk up to me, just a couple looks would be fine. It was like I needed validation that I looked decent and approachable, that I wouldn’t be alone forever.  I was letting this dictate whether I had fun or not. That doesn’t even make logical sense. Especially since I would never talk to the guy ever again or just embarrass myself because I can’t talk to guys.

thirst is real

Shouldn’t the fact that I enjoyed the music or that I danced be a good sign? Even a laugh, a smile or good conversation proves a good time. Apparently those weren’t enough for me.

I always say I want to embrace moments instead of take pictures and videos. And I have been that person to some degree. But guys always seem to distract from moments anyways.  (I don’t even believe in love, so why are guys so important to me?)

I went to a concert the other night and didn’t pay attention to anyone, but my friends and the music. And it was pretty great (minus the fact that I’m so short that I couldn’t even see the guy singing lol). Making improvements here! I have to try to do this more often, or else life will start flying by without my noticing. This is what matters the most. Having fun while I’m alive.

Image from: http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/thirst

Why Am I The Party Animal?

Here we go, time to bring up one of my biggest problems with today’s society. REPUTATIONS. A belief or opinion that someone has about someone or something. Generally, based on their expectations for how one should live. I say they’re crap! No one should be judged and pushed into a certain category, especially if they’re not applying the same guidelines to everyone.

I guess I’m just speaking from my own experiences though, and boy, are they negative ones. My reputation of the past couple years and I guess right now, is that I’m a “party animal” or as my family would call me; “boozy”. I know what you’re thinking, “that’s not that bad”, “it could be worse” and/or “that means that people think you’re fun”. But in reality, it means that I like to be really drunk and don’t mind making mistakes. It means that I’d rather spend a night out and not remember most of it. It means that I’m putting being social above school and work. It means that I don’t have my life together (in my family’s eyes).   But I want more, I want others to think higher of me. I want to think higher of myself. I’m not saying that being a “party animal” is a bad thing, if that’s what you want to do and if that’s what you enjoy then go for it. But I honestly don’t really like going out. Choosing the perfect outfit and putting on the right makeup takes too much effort. Getting drunk just isn’t that fun for me. I basically only go to bars because I have a strong fear of missing out on possible memories and then hearing about them the next day. I realize that we’re only on earth for a limited time and I don’t want to regret not doing things. But at this point, I just regret not staying in and sleeping.

What? So if I go to a bar once a week, not even getting drunk every time, that means you can call me boozy? Let’s keep in mind that I’m in university, where most people my age go out one to three times a week! I’m not going to lie, I have had my fair share of stupidly drunk nights (but who hasn’t). I even go out with the very people that gave me the reputation. (Also, just want to point out that right now, as I’m typing this out, my friends are all at a country bar, drinking, and dancing and having a blast). They are doing the same things as me, just as often, but don’t get the same title, I don’t understand! Why am I the “party animal”? We’re all in this together guys! And if you don’t think you are a frequent partier, then I’m not one either. None of us have to be “the boozy”, we can all just live our lives doing whatever we want. As long as no one is harmed, people should be able to party as much or as little as they want to without being judged!

Sorry for the mini rant guys… This has been on my mind for a long time. Labels and reputations are just so unnecessary.

 

Image was taken  from an article by: Natalie Fraser and Meena Rajulu
http://www.awesomefoundation.org/en/projects/12133-dance-dance-office-revolution