Being a pushover is a pain in the ass. I’m really great at ensuring that other people’s needs are met before my own. I’m wonderful at saying yes when I really want to say no. I’m even better at letting people walk over me because I want to be liked. Being a pushover is a pain in the ass.
In high school I was socially awkward… not over exaggerating here. If someone were to ask me a question I’d just sit there and say “mhmm”, usually without making eye contact. I looked down at my feet a lot. And if anyone tried to start a conversation with me I’d do anything to avoid it and walk away. I allowed my best friend to answer questions for me, and make plans for me and tell me who to like and not like. I let her tell people about my secrets and my opinions that I had only shared with her. Now I don’t want you thinking she’s a bad person, because she isn’t. She wanted what was best for me so she acted accordingly. I never gave her reason to think that what she did hurt me. I never told her what she was doing was damaging me for the future.
Since that was my teenage experience, it carried on to now, in multiple aspects of my life. I’m a full time student, but have a job on the side to pay for it. When talking about working there and my availability this year I said I can only work 20 hours a week. Guess who’s working double that. I also say yes to coming in early and taking extra shifts when I know I have other things to do. I am a pushover. They tell me they need me and that there’s no one else like me who can do what I can do. They tell me I’m one of the best and they wouldn’t survive without me. So I say yes, when I want to say no. I come in when don’t want to, I put my health and my schooling after their needs. Dumb, I know, but I don’t want to anger them or make them not like me.
People just say I’m laid back or ‘go with the flow’, little do they know that I don’t like most of my life. I know that I can’t be the only person like this. I had to learn from somewhere. Maybe my mom, maybe my opa, maybe a teacher or a movie or really anything. Its ridiculous, I know. I shouldn’t let people walk all over me, but that’s all I know how to do. It’s already flowing into other parts of my life. I need a kick in the ass, someone please tell me to put myself first.