Being a Pushover is a Pain in the Ass

Being a pushover is a pain in the ass. I’m really great at ensuring that other people’s needs are met before my own. I’m wonderful at saying yes when I really want to say no. I’m even better at letting people walk over me because I want to be liked. Being a pushover is a pain in the ass.

In high school I was socially awkward… not over exaggerating here. If someone were to ask me a question I’d just sit there and say “mhmm”, usually without making eye contact. I looked down at my feet a lot. And if anyone tried to start a conversation with me I’d do anything to avoid it and walk away. I allowed my best friend to answer questions for me, and make plans for me and tell me who to like and not like. I let her tell people about my secrets and my opinions that I had only shared with her. Now I don’t want you thinking she’s a bad person, because she isn’t. She wanted what was best for me so she acted accordingly. I never gave her reason to think that what she did hurt me. I never told her what she was doing was damaging me for the future.

Since that was my teenage experience, it carried on to now, in multiple aspects of my life. I’m a full time student, but have a job on the side to pay for it. When talking about working there and my availability this year I said I can only work 20 hours a week. Guess who’s working double that. I also say yes to coming in early and taking extra shifts when I know I have other things to do. I am a pushover. They tell me they need me and that there’s no one else like me who can do what I can do. They tell me I’m one of the best and they wouldn’t survive without me. So I say yes, when I want to say no. I come in when don’t want to, I put my health and my schooling after their needs. Dumb, I know, but I don’t want to anger them or make them not like me.

People just say I’m laid back or ‘go with the flow’, little do they know that I don’t like most of my life. I know that I can’t be the only person like this. I had to learn from somewhere. Maybe my mom, maybe my opa, maybe a teacher or a movie or really anything. Its ridiculous, I know. I shouldn’t let people walk all over me, but that’s all I know how to do. It’s already flowing into other parts of my life.  I need a kick in the ass, someone please tell me to put myself first.

 

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“Why am I like this?”

One of my friends has this saying she states when she’s embarrassed by herself or regrets something. “Why am I like this?”. An alternative to saying “I hate myself right now”. I’ve heard her mention it a lot and since I’m around her often I adopted the saying. I started saying it as a joke, kinda mimicking her. Then it became a saying that I use often. Clearly, I regret a lot of things that I do or say.

The saying is kind of sad though, it’s like saying I hate the way that I am. Although sometimes true, because I do and say a lot of stupid things, it’s not a fair statement to make about yourself. I believe that everything that happens in life is a lesson, regardless of the outcome. For example, last month I walked home from the bar alone… then a stranger pulled up beside me and asked if I wanted a ride. I got in the car. To this is say “why am I like this?”, I do fully regret that decision, although nothing bad happened and he was just a nice guy. It was such an unsafe decision, why was I even alone? Why did I leave the bar without my friend? Did I even eat drunk poutine or just watch other people eat it, because I have a clear image of fries and gravy in my mind. I fully regret doing that even if I made it home safe and sound. What the fuck was i thinking?!

I feel like anyone would say “why am I like this” to themselves if they were in my shoes. But that saying shouldn’t be used anymore. I am the way I am and I can’t control what has already happened. I can just not get into strangers cars in the future… I can’t dwell on embarrassing or regretful things, it doesn’t make the situations better. Hating myself for a wrong decision doesn’t help me down the road, it diminishes myself esteem and kills any confidence for future events. I need all the confidence I can get.

We don’t really need a guys attention to have a good time… Right?

Again, failing at posting weekly…. I keep writing posts but don’t find them to be good enough or long enough to post. But, my thoughts about some topics are so brief, yet important to me, so I need to post them. Others may relate and give some insight. Here we go….

I used to think that to have a good time out, whether it be night or day, that I would need the attention of a guy. No one had to make a move or even walk up to me, just a couple looks would be fine. It was like I needed validation that I looked decent and approachable, that I wouldn’t be alone forever.  I was letting this dictate whether I had fun or not. That doesn’t even make logical sense. Especially since I would never talk to the guy ever again or just embarrass myself because I can’t talk to guys.

thirst is real

Shouldn’t the fact that I enjoyed the music or that I danced be a good sign? Even a laugh, a smile or good conversation proves a good time. Apparently those weren’t enough for me.

I always say I want to embrace moments instead of take pictures and videos. And I have been that person to some degree. But guys always seem to distract from moments anyways.  (I don’t even believe in love, so why are guys so important to me?)

I went to a concert the other night and didn’t pay attention to anyone, but my friends and the music. And it was pretty great (minus the fact that I’m so short that I couldn’t even see the guy singing lol). Making improvements here! I have to try to do this more often, or else life will start flying by without my noticing. This is what matters the most. Having fun while I’m alive.

Image from: http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/thirst

Turning 21

Sadly, my goal of writing weekly is not going too successfully. I’ve been writing randomly on my phone, but never posting because I’m way too busy (that’s what I’m telling myself anyways). So here’s something I wrote on my birthday a couple months ago. 
I’ve been racking my brain for a reason as to why I don’t want to turn 21. I don’t know it seems like such an intense age. The age that scares and intimidates all ages, the Hannibal Lecter of ages. 
Maybe it’s because I don’t want the responsibilities of an adult (although I already have a lot). Maybe it’s because a lot of my friends are a year younger than me and I feel out of place. Maybe it’s because I don’t like the number 21. 

Maybe, I feel this way every year when it’s close to my birthday. I think I do, but the thought drifts to the back of my mind as the days pass. And each year I’m reminded how time never stops. Despite living basically the same week over an over again, the days have actually changed. I seem to forget that part of living sometimes, that time doesn’t stop and at some point it will end for all of us. I don’t have extra time to add something into my life that I should have done before. I regret a lot of things that I’ve done, not that I would go back and change anything because i have learned a lot from my mistakes. But what I really regret is wishing I had done things when I hadn’t. But theres no way to go back because we keep moving on. I hate being so conscious of what I’m doing and how it effects everything around me. 

I’m always so concerned not just about what others will think about my actions but what I think of them and what I think of myself when I do them. I’m scared of hating the person I’ve become so I stay safe. I don’t often take any risks especially in certain areas of my life. 

It’s shitty to think that I could actually hate getting older every single time I’m on earth for another year. I want to celebrate the fact that I’m still here, healthy and secure. I don’t want to float. Ugh. I hate being scared of basically everything. I always think that I’m a pretty risky person, that I’m not afraid of anything. I’m lying to myself. 
Photo from Pinterest 

I Am A Toy That People Enjoy…

I have always thought that I was one of those people that don’t take shit from anyone. And I mean I like to speak my mind and I am willing to elbow a guy in a bar if he gets too handsy. I have been told by my friends that they like going to the bar with me because I can get rid of anyone. The other weekend I was at a party and it was dying down and we were all trying to chill and sleep. A couple girls were rude and racist and wouldn’t leave when everyone wanted them to, so I got them to. I know that may make me seem like a bad person, and sometimes I really think I am, but I grew up being walked over and I’m done with it.

Despite these circumstances, a past situation leads me to believe differently. Only in these past couple months have I really evaluated my actions or lack there of in this situation. What got me thinking about it was Lorde’s song Liability and specifically the line where she sings “I am a toy that people enjoy ‘til all of the tricks don’t work anymore and now they get bored of me.”. This has quite literally happened to me with a specific friend of mine.

One of my guy friends, who I will not name because that is not what’s important, had been a fan of mine for a little while. I knew he liked me, he had admitted it to my friend, but he had never done anything about it. Well, this year one night my friends and I were out at a bar drinking. And of course, we got drunk and ended up hooking up (I know everyone uses the term “hooking up” differently so to clarify, we made out, that’s it).To be honest I don’t really remember it… I remembered that it had happened, but not the actual events that took place.

I thought nothing of that night, we continued on as just friends (exactly what I wanted), it wasn’t even awkward. But I think that night was a gateway for future nights. He has tried to get me alone, he has tried to feed me drinks so it could happen again. I have had to push his hand out from under my shirt or dress a few times.  I was drunk every time and although I believe I don’t take shit from people I never said stop. It’s my fault that it continued to happen, I kept getting drunk, lowering my guard. I never said no, I just pushed away. And that’s not okay.

I had let him play with me. Soon he got bored, his tricks stopped working when I learned to push him away. Now, who I thought was my friend doesn’t hang out with me, doesn’t talk to me, doesn’t even text me. Now I can see he is not the kind of friend that I thought he was. He is not the kind of person that I want in my life. I realize that he could have acted that way because he could have been interested in me and when he realized that the feelings were not reciprocated he moved on, but that doesn’t mean he should have dropped me completely. Or I could be wrong, he could have been making drunk mistakes too. Or he could have thought that was okay. I don’t know, but I’m glad I figured out that I don’t need him in my life because no one should be treated like that.

Picture from: unsplash.com

Introductions

Alright, here we go, introductions. Something that seems so easy, but I can never pick out a few things to tell someone when they ask about me. It’s hard, because, like many people, I don’t like to talk about myself. Whether it’s because I don’t want people to think negatively of me or I want to impress people or I just don’t know exactly who I am (but who really does). Regardless, I am going to try now, to tell you, if anyone’s actually reading this, who I think I am.

So, hi. My name is Jade, I’m twenty years old from a decently large city in Southern Ontario, Canada. I am going into my third year of university for kinesiology, I won’t tell you what school just yet though. I love my program and the amazing people that I have met, although I am close with very few, as I believe one should be. I love music, probably a little too much as I spend way too much money on concerts, but they’re worth it. I consider myself a burrito enthusiast, a taco connoisseur, and an ice cream admirer. Lastly, due to my trait anxious personality, I have some strange theories about life and emotions. I don’t necessarily believe in all of them, but they are potential truths that I hold in my mind that generally refrain me from living the life that I desire. Maybe we’ll work them out together here, I’d love some feedback.

I started this blog because, well, my life is jaded. I don’t want to spend the summer just working, getting drunk and waiting to move back to school. So, this is my idea, to share my thoughts with others. I’m hoping that you will be able to relate or understand where I’m coming from. I’m hoping that I’ll feel less anxious about becoming an adult and finding out who I am or who I want to be. So here we go.