We don’t really need a guys attention to have a good time… Right?

Again, failing at posting weekly…. I keep writing posts but don’t find them to be good enough or long enough to post. But, my thoughts about some topics are so brief, yet important to me, so I need to post them. Others may relate and give some insight. Here we go….

I used to think that to have a good time out, whether it be night or day, that I would need the attention of a guy. No one had to make a move or even walk up to me, just a couple looks would be fine. It was like I needed validation that I looked decent and approachable, that I wouldn’t be alone forever.  I was letting this dictate whether I had fun or not. That doesn’t even make logical sense. Especially since I would never talk to the guy ever again or just embarrass myself because I can’t talk to guys.

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Shouldn’t the fact that I enjoyed the music or that I danced be a good sign? Even a laugh, a smile or good conversation proves a good time. Apparently those weren’t enough for me.

I always say I want to embrace moments instead of take pictures and videos. And I have been that person to some degree. But guys always seem to distract from moments anyways.  (I don’t even believe in love, so why are guys so important to me?)

I went to a concert the other night and didn’t pay attention to anyone, but my friends and the music. And it was pretty great (minus the fact that I’m so short that I couldn’t even see the guy singing lol). Making improvements here! I have to try to do this more often, or else life will start flying by without my noticing. This is what matters the most. Having fun while I’m alive.

Image from: http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/thirst

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Turning 21

Sadly, my goal of writing weekly is not going too successfully. I’ve been writing randomly on my phone, but never posting because I’m way too busy (that’s what I’m telling myself anyways). So here’s something I wrote on my birthday a couple months ago. 
I’ve been racking my brain for a reason as to why I don’t want to turn 21. I don’t know it seems like such an intense age. The age that scares and intimidates all ages, the Hannibal Lecter of ages. 
Maybe it’s because I don’t want the responsibilities of an adult (although I already have a lot). Maybe it’s because a lot of my friends are a year younger than me and I feel out of place. Maybe it’s because I don’t like the number 21. 

Maybe, I feel this way every year when it’s close to my birthday. I think I do, but the thought drifts to the back of my mind as the days pass. And each year I’m reminded how time never stops. Despite living basically the same week over an over again, the days have actually changed. I seem to forget that part of living sometimes, that time doesn’t stop and at some point it will end for all of us. I don’t have extra time to add something into my life that I should have done before. I regret a lot of things that I’ve done, not that I would go back and change anything because i have learned a lot from my mistakes. But what I really regret is wishing I had done things when I hadn’t. But theres no way to go back because we keep moving on. I hate being so conscious of what I’m doing and how it effects everything around me. 

I’m always so concerned not just about what others will think about my actions but what I think of them and what I think of myself when I do them. I’m scared of hating the person I’ve become so I stay safe. I don’t often take any risks especially in certain areas of my life. 

It’s shitty to think that I could actually hate getting older every single time I’m on earth for another year. I want to celebrate the fact that I’m still here, healthy and secure. I don’t want to float. Ugh. I hate being scared of basically everything. I always think that I’m a pretty risky person, that I’m not afraid of anything. I’m lying to myself. 
Photo from Pinterest 

In The End, We’re Just Hurting Ourselves

There is a fine line between being nice and flirty and apparently, I cross that line weekly. Although unintentional, I lead a lot of people on. I don’t mean to play games or hurt anyone, it just happens. Especially if I am intoxicated.

I don’t understand how to control it though. This is where I need help. If I joke around and tease or compliment someone or laugh at what they say, they can take it any way they want. I cannot govern how they receive what I do, I can only control my own actions. So does that mean that I should be rude and distant? Should I ignore any guy that talks to me? That’s not right either.

This confusion came about last weekend when I was at a friends party. This gathering only consisted of the same friends that I hang out with all the time and as always with them, alcohol was consumed. I’ve been told that I get really flirty when I’m drunk so I decided to ask my best friend what exactly I did or said this time. In my opinion, I wasn’t flirting, my actions were just taken the wrong way. Do you agree or disagree?

The first event was when I shared my mac n’ cheese with my one guy friend. I had a bowl and he was hungry so I shared my food with him (as a nice person does). I fed him once but it fell onto his shirt and of course something along the lines of “open your mouth wider” was mentioned when he complained about the mess and it unintentionally became a sexual innuendo. If you know me you should know that I am not one to speak or joke in a ‘dirty’ manner, it makes me uncomfortable. In my mind, I wasn’t flirting, but according to the texts I received from him the next day, he enjoyed me being a “little vixen”.

Another event that occurred was when I asked to borrow a blanket from one of the guys that lived in the house. I was cold and wanted to sleep so I was rather impatient. All I wanted to do was go upstairs get something to keep me warm and retreat back downstairs to where everyone was hanging out. When he kept getting distracted in the process of finding me a blanket I got frustrated. I guess people could tell that I was upset that he was taking his time and they all assumed that I was mad because I wanted to go hook up with him and he was being slower than desired. Again, if you know me you should know that I am not one to sleep with people that are 1. Just my friends and 2. That I don’t have a relationship with. It’s just not my style.

The last event where my actions were misinterpreted that I wanted to mention was when I was actually going to sleep. A lot of people were staying at the party house overnight since everyone was pretty drunk and the hosts offered. Since this was my plan, I asked to sleep on the futon in my guy friend’s room. The fold out bed is really comfortable and his room is quiet in the morning, so I dibs-ed that spot before they were all taken. When I decided to sleep I went to my friend’s room but someone was already asleep on the futon, so I said no problem and went elsewhere. I woke up to a text the next morning saying “Sorry for taking your spot, I didn’t know you liked him like that”. Like what?! I just wanted a nice place to sleep and had no issue finding another spot. How does that prove that I was into him?

In none of these circumstances was I intentionally flirting or trying to hook up with anyone. It was just taken that way by not only the person involved but by spectators. How do I change this? Just not share my food with friends that are hungry? Just be cold in a house full of blankets? The line between being nice and flirting is very fine and closer than I thought.

This also got me thinking. Why does everyone (or a lot of people) take being nice as flirting? Is it because we’re all lonely and just want to find love? Is it because we just want someone to admire us to get a small confidence boost? We could just want something so badly that we unconsciously change the meaning of something so innocent to something that we actually want. But in the end, we’re just hurting ourselves.

 

Why can’t I stop thinking about you?

Why can’t I stop thinking about you? I know I made it up in my mind, I know it’s not possible.

Prior to your visit last year my friend said that you’d be perfect for me, I think this is where my mind got the idea. You were so nice and spent all of your time with me instead of the friend that you were visiting. But it ended, you went home and I thought nothing of it. Fast forward a year and you were back. You were visiting again and were just as attractive, nice and awkward as you were the first time. I took you caressing my face and rubbing my back instead of trying to sleep with me as a good sign. It showed me that you were kind and not like the other guys that just wanted to get laid. We talked for hours about our futures, our interests and our families. But both times we met you were drunk and I was nervous. Ever since that weekend I have wondered what if…

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What if you’d visit again? What if we ran into each other at your school? What if we happened to be at the same concert this summer? What if I could just tell you that I wish I had flirted just a bit more, that I danced with you at the bar, that I wish I had told you I was interested?

I’ve made up so many scenarios in my head as to how we’d meet again. Silly I know, seeing as we’ve only met twice. It just seemed perfect, you were going to university in my home town, your friends were my friends, we had so many common interests. But maybe it was too perfect and maybe I’m just a lonely dreamer. Your intoxication and our only having met two times convinces me that I made it all up and that we’ll never meet again.

Why can’t I stop thinking about you? After all these months why can’t I just let you go?

We Can Stop Being So Afraid Now

Do you ever watch a movie and it just clicks something in your head? I watched a movie called The Summer of 8 the other night and click is exactly what happened. Here’s what developed in my confusing mind:

How can the life be so insanely scary, but so exciting at the same time? I want to curl up and cry half the time but the moments where I feel like dancing, spinning around in circles and screaming make up for it. Why does it have to be like this? Why do I have to be so afraid all the time? Of what I’ve done, of what I can or should do, of what might happen? I don’t want to regret anything, but life makes it seem like everything has to be perfect. But we can’t control anything. We can’t control the way others react, the weather, how fast time seems. We can only control how we feel and what we do. That’s pretty scary. Why can’t we just do whatever to make us happy at the time, embrace what’s happening. Tomorrow’s coming no matter what. I don’t know why I spend so much time worrying about what has happened and what will happen when life will inevitably move on. Life continues everyday until death. We should enjoy it. We can stop being so afraid. We can embrace now. 

Why Am I The Party Animal?

Here we go, time to bring up one of my biggest problems with today’s society. REPUTATIONS. A belief or opinion that someone has about someone or something. Generally, based on their expectations for how one should live. I say they’re crap! No one should be judged and pushed into a certain category, especially if they’re not applying the same guidelines to everyone.

I guess I’m just speaking from my own experiences though, and boy, are they negative ones. My reputation of the past couple years and I guess right now, is that I’m a “party animal” or as my family would call me; “boozy”. I know what you’re thinking, “that’s not that bad”, “it could be worse” and/or “that means that people think you’re fun”. But in reality, it means that I like to be really drunk and don’t mind making mistakes. It means that I’d rather spend a night out and not remember most of it. It means that I’m putting being social above school and work. It means that I don’t have my life together (in my family’s eyes).   But I want more, I want others to think higher of me. I want to think higher of myself. I’m not saying that being a “party animal” is a bad thing, if that’s what you want to do and if that’s what you enjoy then go for it. But I honestly don’t really like going out. Choosing the perfect outfit and putting on the right makeup takes too much effort. Getting drunk just isn’t that fun for me. I basically only go to bars because I have a strong fear of missing out on possible memories and then hearing about them the next day. I realize that we’re only on earth for a limited time and I don’t want to regret not doing things. But at this point, I just regret not staying in and sleeping.

What? So if I go to a bar once a week, not even getting drunk every time, that means you can call me boozy? Let’s keep in mind that I’m in university, where most people my age go out one to three times a week! I’m not going to lie, I have had my fair share of stupidly drunk nights (but who hasn’t). I even go out with the very people that gave me the reputation. (Also, just want to point out that right now, as I’m typing this out, my friends are all at a country bar, drinking, and dancing and having a blast). They are doing the same things as me, just as often, but don’t get the same title, I don’t understand! Why am I the “party animal”? We’re all in this together guys! And if you don’t think you are a frequent partier, then I’m not one either. None of us have to be “the boozy”, we can all just live our lives doing whatever we want. As long as no one is harmed, people should be able to party as much or as little as they want to without being judged!

Sorry for the mini rant guys… This has been on my mind for a long time. Labels and reputations are just so unnecessary.

 

Image was taken  from an article by: Natalie Fraser and Meena Rajulu
http://www.awesomefoundation.org/en/projects/12133-dance-dance-office-revolution